Worth A Try. Worst Regretting.

You know what? I lied. I lied to you. I lied to my friends. I lied to my parents. I lied to everyone. 

Most importantly, I lied to myself.

Ouch.

Making life decisions is hard when your expectations are higher than your limits.

Wait. Do I have a limit?

No. I don’t even know how far I can go. 

Yesterday I didn’t think long. I made fast decisions based on logic. You know, I have this tingling way of registering an act. For example, if I want to do silly things, my brain starts to warn me. I see this big yellow sign written “YOUR REPUTATION GIRL!” in front of me. I want to do that silly thing so bad, but this brain –logic of mine makes me think a lot. All the time.

Our hearts are wild. That’s where our ribs takes the handle. That’s why it’s called rib cage. That’s why our hearts in human anatomy is protected neatly in the rib of our chest.

Our brains are special as well. If you’re confused to either follow the heart or brain, which of the organs are situated in the highest position? Yes, our brain.

But you see, sometimes when you’re trapped in your brain’s way of manipulating your act, it kills the heart. So bad. No one made you hurt. It’s a conflict your brain has with your heart. They give a bad impact on your emotional state.

Yesterday, my brain won the argument.

Brain: She doesn’t deserve taking medicine! She’s better in psychology!

Heart: Yes I know, but please reconsider her dreams that has pushed her on not giving up.

Brain: No, you watched her suffer on wanting to be a doctor when she knows her boundaries right?

Heart: But, that’s what she wants! She’ll regret giving up medicine. I’m her heart. I know what she feels more than you smarty pants!

Brain: She has me to make the logic choice here. I know what’s best for her. Do not deny my approval will you?

Heart: But-

Brain: All a heart does is corrupt the person. Logic is the best solution.

Heart: Fine! *Starts to pump in haemoglobin towards the aorta faster to cool down anger*

Yeah, might be a little imaginative but reality is logic has conquered myself. A lot.

My logic has made a confirmation on my standards and effects my behaviour. That’s why I take care of my reputation so bad. If the act has exceeded the line of my ‘safe-zone-reputation’, that’s where I become anxious. And I have to get rid of it. Otherwise it’ll make me feel at my lowest level.

Yesterday I said I didn’t want to further my studies in medicine. I’ve written so many reasons on how it can affect my years on wanting to enjoy life. I thought I would be happy.

Well, I wasn’t. I’m just used to lying at myself.

For instance, even when I knew I like that particular person, I keep on denying it. I would act like I don’t. I would act like I don’t care. I try to sound perfectly cool. I lied. I knew I was starting to give in.

This happens when reputation conquers. I’m a girl. We have standards. Take care of it as much as we go. When I talk this, I’m saying my brain works well than my heart.

I searched other courses for the whole day. I explained to my parents about the new discoveries I managed to collect. We wanted to register to Taylors or Monash University for psychology.

I thought it would be a good start. You know, to do something I know I can handle and pass that easily. That night, suddenly this, sad, feeling comes.

That’s when my heart makes the first move.

Heart: You see? She wants go for medicine even when she knows she can pursue in communication.

Brain: Nonsense, she knows her limits. She knows the consequences.

Heart: Indeed she does. And still she wants it. You can’t place logic to her soul and expect her to forget all the things she dreams of. Everyday, besides being motivated by people whom she loves, she sets her mind believing she can do it. We don’t even know her limits!

Brain: Again, my logic says she can’t-

Heart: For once try to not say it can’t be done. I’m not letting you set her mind saying there are things which are unattainable. True, she didn’t get straight As, but she’s not stopping. It’s time to let her follow that determination she’s been having all this time.

Brain: I’m just afraid she’d fail! She doesn’t want failure! I don’t want to see her frustrated.

Heart: That’s the problem when it comes to logic. If you see it as a hardship, you say no. You make her into believing such doubts when she hasn’t tried it yet. Please trust me, she knows it’s hard. She gets up from failures. God made her that way. It’s worth a try.

I checked on the internet on psychology or language. It was written things like;

The student will attain such qualities in achieving the qualifications of;

1.       Are able to apply their understanding of human behavior to numerous situations and use their knowledge in their everyday life.

2.       Psychology can help you understand how and why you feel as you do. 

3.       You can better your personal communication skills and increase the effectiveness of your communication efforts. 

Let me get this straight. I’m not wanting to sound proud or anything, but I am very much aware of all of it. Maybe not professionally, but what’s the use of doing something when you know you already have it?

I am sorry but I can’t see the point of taking the course. What’s the challenge in life? I didn’t work hard all this time to just, be a psychologist or etc.

True, I love talking. Inspiring things or anything like that. I love seeing people smile after I give them a lift up. I love making people feel as happy as I am.

But, you see, I don’t want my knowledge to have a limit.

Chemistry hasn’t been a contribution to my pointers. And the only reason I said I didn’t want to apply medicine is because of chemistry.

You know what? If that particular thing is hard for you, don’t run away from it. Don’t go for something else and give up your dreams just because it’s easier. If it kills you, find a heal and create a medicine.

It will be hard, but that’s what’s been driving me crazy. About wanting to talk and inspire or etc, I can do it as a minor career. No problem.

No one is stopping me. Only my brain is thinking I can’t do it.

*Heart boo’s brain* *Brain snaps heart*

I will work hard. I may not spend time much entertaining myself. But I can balance my time between studying and spending time with people I love. I’m just gonna annoy my lecturers asking them to explain any topics I find it hard to register. I pray harder and perhaps stop listening to music. I like being busy. I love hospitals. I can’t deny.

I can’t deny that I would prove I’d make it in the end. Boundaries are perhaps from my wrong way of studying. It wasn’t effective. My fault. Again, this is worth a try.

I believe if I take another course I might forget Him. Why? Because I would be too proud with the talents I have. I should do something that drives me to pray to Him more, not vice versa.

Most importantly, I have a very supportive parents who vowed to make me happy to matter what. I’ve got grandparents who gives me spiritual lift ups. I’ve got teachers who love me because they’ve seen me trying to improve. I’ve got 14 best friends who shows me dreams are as wide as the sky. I’ve got a guy who has been liking me for 8 months and has the characteristics of a firm stand on life. What more do I need?

So many people are behind my back without me trying being well-known for things like Instagram or etc. That’s what I like about life. I haven’t faced fake friends or cheaters or etc.

Truly, your character attracts people who are the same as you are. If you want a happy life, good friends, loyal partner, make sure you are one.

I've made numerous entries on why I want medicine. Everyone knows that.

I've gone this far. I don’t even know if I can’t do it. Perhaps I can. Yes, I can. Besides, I've got people to cheer me up. I've got people I can trust. I've got people to depend on. I've got real people who love me.

“Nothing kills you more than letting go something you love and one day see people have it and regret for the rest of your life. Some things are worth trying. If it scares you, it’s a good sign of incredible outcomes”

I've never given up. I want to see my loved ones succeed as well. What example am I if I give up my life dream? 

I remember Ustaz Annas told about how an average student during her high school days ended up being the best student in college and managed to become a doctor. She was in the same college with the girl who got straight A+ in SPM.

Yes, I am an ignorant, selfish girl with a high ego of getting what I love. But note this,

Dreams are worth fighting for. 

Heart, I’m gonna let you win this time.