I’ve genuinely forgotten how it feels like not having the fear of loss. Until I did last night, in the car with my friends who’ve been there for me since I was thirteen years old.
Since my downfall (2019), I’ve consistently felt like I was fighting against the world non-stop. Everything would just tumble down if I turned my head the other way for 3 seconds.
I had to level-up myself in so many ways, be cautious, be critical, and develop into this rather cold person in order to survive.
I didn’t know how tiring it has felt until today. I haven’t experienced this much warmth from such a familiar place I used to call home. My MRSM friends.
9 years ago I joined this leadership programme with the interest to build more character. And so did them. Nadia, Afiq, Haiqal, Syaheerah, Zafri, Hani, Luqman, Syafika, Wan, Iqmal and I. Within that one year span we’ve travelled to MRSM Muar, MRSM Batu Pahat, MRSM Balik Pulau, MRSM Mersing, MRSM Johor Bharu, MRSM Felda Trolak. We stayed in the bus together through the longest journey, we ate together, laughed together. Most importantly, cried together.
We’d handle endless leadership programs in school as a unit, collected thousands of MYR, bought food necessities and visited incredibly poor families in Pontian together. Ukhwah Ramadan, we call it. Volunteered at the zoo together.
They’ve slept at my house twice, we went to Bukit Merah, Perak. We had a holiday trip in Melaka, Johor. We went to a water theme park, bowling, picnics, night safari. We hopped on the ERL train together.
We had so much fun in Perak, I remembered that night after a long day of shopping (we exchanged gifts with people we got randomised), they told me to come out to the balcony. I said sure, but what is there to see?
Stepped out. All I could hear was a loud popping sound with sprinkles and a loud birthday cheer and a giant cake with my name written on it. Everyone looked at me with so much love in their eyes. That’s when I knew. I found home.
Last night when I missed my flight, they were there outside. Waiting in the car. It was already late at night. We got too side-tracked with catching up on each other. Genuinely hadn’t laughed and been this energetic in awhile. They knew.
They knew I’ve developed into a different character, I’m much more confident and stronger now. Much more chatty and expressive of my thoughts.
They also knew me when I was her. The girl who was a hopeless romantic. She found her first love, exchanged letters through them, took a picture on New Years while they watched, embracing emotions without a single fear. She was crazily brave, but naive.
All of them surrounded my table in 4 Cambridge, while I cried and cried. Cried because I didn’t make it to the final global leadership round in MRSM Balik Pulau. They surrounded me at the staircase during prep time while I cried about having my heart-broken. I didn’t remember what they said, but their presence and warmth was so strong I still remember it to this day. I was treated like their little sister.
Unlike today, I was far from perfect. I was unconfident, my leadership skills were off, I didn’t have a glow up, I was shy. They loved me regardless.
I’ve meet so many friends after them, but honestly speaking it’s incomparable to the friendship we have. 9 years and counting.
Reflecting on it now, seeing them again last night after so long. Felt really calming. Everything else in my life has been leaving me and it’s hard to know which will stay.
Been running away and on high for so long. Always felt I needed to be perfect in order to be loved. I forgot they existed. I forgot how to be vulnerable without the fear of losing them. No matter how strong I am, I’ll always be their little sister.
Thank you for always sticking with me throughout these years.
