Yesterday struck me that I still had this soft side that I've buried somewhere I can never remember.
Years back, lost. And there it is, suddenly.
Self-love is a very important aspect. And yet the hardest one to achieve. Because even in my own words, I might not necessarily be able to explain what it means. I don't even grasp what happiness truly means.
I always thought self-love was about pushing yourself to the limit, putting yourself out there to achieve things out of the ordinary, bring out your best character, stay staged with your emotions. To truly satisfy yourself with the things you have control over.
And let's be honest. That's the only thing I would probably ever understand.
Bluntly speaking for the past year I've been in this odd transition of character development. Not the people in it, which I'm far, far very much blessed. But in terms of how I plan to lead myself in life.
There's somewhat, a lot of underlying anger/frustration that I desperately need an outlet to express it out. All built up from years of tolerating with things I never should, and being taken for granted. Too much repression. And it is as if, I've lost the essence of how to properly deal with my own emotions. And that I found it rather pleasing to go against my own morale.
And I genuinely am trying my best not to fall for it.
To not to pull myself into the darkness. No matter how welcoming it feels.
No matter how soothing it feels to break out of this character finally.
No matter how great it feels gaining power even if it's negative.
Because if I do, I would lose her forever.
That soft side of me I forgot existed, dragging the ones I love along.
Or so I think it would.
What if in reality, I am all of the above?
Being strong is a gift that shouldn't be taken advantage of. It shouldn't be suppressed in the name of 'self-discovery'. What if it is truly who you are, and you're putting yourself into this mould that was never even yours to begin with. You need to embrace it, put your heads up and open to new experiences. Try new things, challenge yourself. Do not let your old-self, or those around you set expectations on what you should become.
You are not one identity, and one identity alone. You can be both rebellious and loving, you can be both ambitious and calm, you can be both critical and carefree, you can be artistic yet analytical. You can be both feminine and masculine, you can be adventurous yet fearful. You can fall in love and still be independent. You can care and yet also not give a fuck. And finally, you can be both good and bad.
There's no need to hide who you essentially are, even if it contradicts what others perceive you.
The ones who are meant in your life will understand and accept you. Keep them tightly.
Emotions, self-journey is a very complex thing anyone would have to deal with -and turns out in any point in life, you shall always have something to improve on. There's no such thing as a final destination in your self-growth. If your goal is only to attain happiness (stable job, partner, hobbies, etc) when you have reached the end of the line, it's a paradoxical mindset.
You're only fooling yourself.
Accepting both sides of your character is already an indicator of strength.
Figuring out your identity is a painful journey, but what if it was powerful than you imagined it to be?
Have fun with the journey, break your limits, go wild.
Don't let the confusion push opportunities and people you love.
