I finished watching a documentary in regards to a collaboration of hundreds of scientists who were in quest of solving what's known to be the most difficult thing to understand by humankind -the black hole. I've gone down to this sudden loop hole again, that in some ways or another, I had the same frame of mind as them.
I was interested to find answers.
And one fundamental value in which most people of science would agree on is that we are able to seek answers and predict them by learning the nature of law.
You build curiosity, you start to connect some dots from those before you, you replicate experiments multiple times, find some significant value and prove to people that you were right. Publish them, receive hundreds of criticism before figuring out what's next. Unlike emotions, however, -physics, or science in general, is very solid. I understand that philosophers wouldn't seem to be keen on the idea that we are able to ever, find a universal answer to everything.
But the fact that we tried, is amazing.
Despite in what we all believe in, you can never discredit individuals who have spent decades trying to find an answer. And there is this whirl of anxiety revolving around the question of whether any of these efforts are worth investing at all. People need to develop high level of trust towards their capability to comprehend a deep level of knowledge, a lot of resilience despite failing, to have confidence always in the unknown.
A thirst of knowledge, in other words.
And personally, I think is what's been making me question my current dilemma. Understanding and having to experience both challenges in research and non-research setting, I'm torn between choosing which area I should devote myself for. Almost 9 months in, teaching has been great. People have been appreciating my skills, and understand my value. I am able to work in a setting that I can constantly offer the institution a room for improvement. Believe me, teaching is a skill. Only 15% of the lesson content is delivered, the rest is purely from your own existing knowledge. And because of that, content wise, it hasn't entirely been satisfying to me. It is not stimulating. Everyday I hear a whisper saying I am capable of doing more than this. This shouldn't be my end goal.
And yet, research does not entirely suit me either. I am constantly exhausted, underappreciated or undervalued. Because there's just too much expectations to have the best result interpretation, data analyzation, while being in a room full of other brilliant people twice my age. Mental health too has been placed at such a high stake. But on the long run, I feel satisfied to learn so much. To participate in what is little to be known by the majority.
In summary, I believe my quest for now, in my twenties is to find that purpose that I can fit my shoe in. That not only appreciates my value, but also satisfies me intellectually. Settling down with whatever I have learned, refraining myself to dive into that thirst of knowledge, is unsettling to me.
Let's hope that I find that purpose.
