I have accepted various things about myself. Almost
everything, really. If God gave me a chance to speak out one of the most wonderful
gift that I possess, I say is my ability to look at my surrounding with a
bigger view. The way to solve a problem. The way to look beyond what is seen.
Easy to say, I can be both extrovert and introvert at the same time. Depends on
people. I can be fun when is in need of entertainment, and I can be a great
listener to someone’s depression.
I know not everyone my age would care about other’s feelings
or anything an adult would think. Sometimes I think that I’m more qualified to
be someone’s wife than a girlfriend because to me being a girlfriend means I
have to be all cheerful and go crazy together every day. Well, reality is I’m
the kind who’s more to making sure they’re safe and full of my
support-kind-of-way.
There were some misunderstanding last night. My mum asked me
why I am looking so serious during the night. I wasn’t. I was just thinking.
Thinking. Thinking.
I think a lot. You know, that night my neighbour was having
a ‘marhaban’ calling up some nasyid women to do their way to welcoming a baby
into the world through Arab sayings. It was my first time hearing it. I looked
at the way how they seemed to memorize the whole thing –bet they’re singing the
same thing all time. I wondered how might they feel when they’re hands are
drifted with music instruments and yet was able to held it for an hour. I
thought how thirsty they might feel. I looked at people to see if they’re
paying attention. I put down my phone because I didn’t want to be rude. I
looked at the house owner, wondering, their clothing is against Islam’s
teachings and yet they’re doing this that causes a lot of money. Is it some
kind of a tradition or do they really want to do it for the sake of Allah?
Little did I knew when I lingered myself with those
thoughts, I looked as if I was a troubled person.
I didn’t realize apart from my ability to wonder and
think about my surrounding, I had given people assumptions on something bad.
Everything has a benefit and a negative impact. I can cheer people up and give them motivational talks about life because I had
gone through many failures. Experience opens the mind to help people and avoid
them feeling the same as I did once. My weakness is I can’t see a happy ending.
‘You can’t see a happy ending?”
Yes.
In everything that has come through my life, I have to say 2
years ago I was brave. I fought for the positions in school without thinking if I fail. I tried hard to keep my
relationship going without thinking if
we’re not gonna make it. I worked hard and never thought if I’d fail again in exams. I was some
reckless girl who believes everything is going to end just the way I wanted it
to be. Guess what? I failed everything. Everything.
It taught me more about accepting life and it gives me the
idea to give inspiration to people that they’re worth it. There’s nothing to
feel insecure about. So why am I sad now? Because I can’t see happiness behind
the rainbow anymore. Everyday I’ve been learning to accept my failures.
They’re haunting my present life about the future. I’ve done
my best in SPM, but I was busy trying to figure out a way to control my
emotions if I didn’t get straight As. Within all the guys I’ve been with, I
have found someone rather differ and better based on his mentality. I think
we’re just starting, but I was already thinking how I’d cope with the pain if
we’re not going to last and that happens during my studies –as I know,
heartbreaks will spoil my results and unables me to strive for overseas.
You see, both of my SPM and the guy is okay. What’s wrong is
me. Thinking they’re the ‘future-hurt-me- candidates’.
Like my mum said to me after I told her I was just afraid if
I fail again in life, I have to stop thinking negatively. I have to stop being
stress over the things that hasn’t happened or perhaps may not happen at all. I
have to stop avoiding being worried about how hurtful I’d feel if I fail. Mum
even questioned me now it’s just an assumption of my failure and yet I’ve been
worried. What if it really happens? How will I cope with that? To be honest I
really don’t know.
I love myself. I don’t feel lack of beauty or talents or
anything much. I’ve got a wonderful life. I get everything I need when it comes
to families and friends and etc. I’m confident with myself and I am destined to
strive for my best. Maybe that is why I think a lot. Because I love myself that
much I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone hurt me again like before. That’s
why I try to make amends of my mistakes and make sure everyone feels happy like
me.
There’s a difference between hating yourself with afraid of
failures. They’re total opposites.
So right now, I have to stop worrying about failing and live
on. I know it’s gonna be real hard but I’ll try. I have to stop thinking ‘will
it happen or will it not?’. If I really fail, I’d have to accept it with an
open heart. If I don’t fail, what’s left to be worried? Haha. Okay. Af, you’re
gonna start taking chances and try your best to not imagine it’ll never work
out. Get that fobia fear of failures out from nestling in your brain.
“Rain came pouring
down when I was drowned, and that’s when I could finally breathe”
–Clean, Taylor Swift.
Now, who wants to sing out loud with me?
