The reason why I'm not into cats. They're enemies.
Well, some people would refer as 'pain changes people'. But the reality is anything that you've gone through your life either it is deeply painful or happy will somehow find it's way to make you change a little differ than you ever were before. In general, 'time changes people' is also valid. You choose.
How would you react when one of your closest family members whom you're tryin' to get back close again after years in boarding school suddenly says you're not the person they used to know?
"You know, you've become different. You're not like the little girl who climbs trees anymore -you're the only one in the family who has ever did that. She's my best little grandchild. Your little cousin is not like you. Whatever it is, she will always be in my heart. But she's not here anymore."
The feeling of hearing that statement is horrible I tell you. I was trying hard not to cry actually. I avoided eye contact and grab hold of an object to at least lessen my emotional feelings overwhelming me. I couldn't blame them for what they've said. The proof is crystal clear. Everyone can see that. I know myself pretty well. I'd be able to list 20 differences of my personality before and after. Before I've been in boarding school versus during boarding school. Those who know me from high school won't believe what I've been when I was little. They'd assume I'd have this proper mannerly kind of lifestyle without adventures. As if.
I dreamed big once. I wanted to do lots of crazy things. Every night weekends I'd follow my grandfather for his bowling liga in Sunway Pyramid and compete with my cousins on who gets the highest score. If you've seen this girl screaming, jumping and twirling in excitement at the last lane, that's me alright. I'd dance around the living room every time my grandma's bollywood show starts with their dances. I'd explore the garden alone labelling the leaves with my own hilarious nicknames. I'd paste notes all around the walls of the house with liquid glue. I'd draw murals on my wall and hang the pictures I've drawn on the ceiling. I'd make airplanes, a zoo, a town using A4 papers. I'd cut the faces of family and paste them on a paper before drawing their bodies playing golf or have my grandmother riding the swing in the playground. I'd have a secret lair under the bed, having them covered with boxes. I'd go climb a tree. I'd sing all the time. I'd go chase the kangaroo for a mile and lend it the lollipop I was sucking -but my mum pulled back quickly. I'd write my own stories and a series of comic books. I'd make the people laugh at watching me dance in the middle of the street in Warner Bros Studios.
They didn't think I'd change from a little girl who was yet so crazy to a girl who is serious in doing whatever it takes to succeed. Even to think of this it's rather surprising really. "Experience changes people","pain changes people", "time changes people". No more elaborations on these, everyone knows. We all have experiences of the past that changes us from becoming a person so ambitious to a person who is aware that happily ever after does not come easy. We all have the gone through such pain that it's so hard to move on being a person who isn't afraid to take chances. We all have passed those times and yet still have so many things too learn. Similar to this little girl, she never understood what nightmares feel like. Neither do you when you were little.
There are some main reasons why we tend to change drastically.
Responsibility. Expectations.Religion. Logic.
What if your family suddenly speaks out on having to have a profession they want in the future but the family is so small and there is no way you'd walk out the door cause you're their only hope? What if they give everything we'd want and still tend to be spoilt? What if you don't succeed and leave your family with the feeling of regret? What if you never give a care of what people tend to think of you who doesn't know how real life is? What if you become what you've always wanted to be but is against the religion? What if everyone points at you to do this and that? What if you knew how having a small sense of realization would result in failure of the future?
You would do everything for the sake of yourself and others -even if it means changing you.
Like myself, I'm not smart to tell you the truth. I don't like calculations. They're not in my blood. I'm not really into studying really. I worked hard and all, but I never dreamed of being one of those kids who are known as smarty pants. You know, when you talk to her mum and she's like, "owh, my daughter gets 4 flats on every semester and my son is the best student in college". Maybe for them they'd be happy but I see that as the opposite flow of what I really am. I want to be successful in academics, but they're against what I am. That's why I work hard. Like having to study maths when you were interested in arts. It's stressful.
I don't even know how I'd succeed for the big exams before this. But of course I'm grateful, Alhamdulillah. The problem in this society especially schools in Malaysia is they ought to think those who are clever has the brightest future in leading Malaysia. No, actually I'm directing this to the government. They expect an improvisement on the country and hire high amounts of those who have high elite professions. Engineers, bankers, architects, doctors. But like our exam oriented procedures which I find so unproductive is having students to understand everything through books. You can't expect to give a book about science discoveries and have people to read and understand as if they hardly knew what's the purpose of learning that anyway.
I like talking publicly and go for campaigns on making the world a better place for example. But what choice do I have to plan a non-government organization? Where do I collect my finance and etc? In Malaysia if you try you're either to succeed or die. This isn't a free country where you can go stop schooling and move on being something you want. Unlike America, you can be anything you're good at. They have the students being exposed with all kinds of things. Malaysia? Refer the book. Right.
Sometimes when you want to succeed in life you have to go with the flow. I don't see the point of having or lives wasted for something we know we're not meant for. Luckily I love science. That's what I meant by changing yourself due to logic. When you know the real exciting you won't survive in the society. Do what's best, not what we want. It's a statement I've been holding on though it hurts. That's why I miss being my old-self really.
I'm not stating on we have to lie to ourselves. I meant we have to find the right possible way for the sake of our responsibility, expectation, logic and religion using our hearts. Though I know I'm talented for the side of music, arts and communication, I realize I wanted to be a doctor. A responsibility to the society, an expectation of my family, logical way to survive in Malaysia's totally-high-demanding professions as this and lastly the intention of Islam on helping people get over their pain.
Sometimes we ought to change to be better for the future. That's what I'm trying to do, though I cannot assure myself if I was ever doing the right thing. There's a lot of things we need to sacrifice.
Apart from it all, I'm still that little girl. And yes, I miss her too.
