She keeps herself busy so he wouldn't appear. Sometimes she'd walk through the hall and see him walking charmingly with a hand clinging his black blazer on his shoulder, laughing with his group of friends. They were just illusions. He wasn't there. It surprisingly amazing to feel how her heart aches for someone who is so far away. Everyday she taught how was it possible to keep their contact going when they wouldn't see each other anymore. He told her to break the rules and bring her phone to college illegally. She thought again on her dreams of succeeding. She thought of her teachers who loved her cause she'd never betray them. She thought of him falling for someone else within days.
He had held a knife behind her back all this time. She was glad she was the one to walk out of the door. Suffers changed into lessons like unwanted colors needed to be washed away from the brush to start a new painting. She learns more, smiles more, talks more and finally she is able to get over him for the first time. Finally she feels neutral to do anything to strive her goal. No dissapointments, no nothing. Free. She's keen on studying hard and make amends of her doings.
That was months ago. Now she's back to being confused all over again. She felt such a fool on not realizing anything before everyone else did. She didn't have an idea where all the sudden this one person came from. All she knew she was just having small doubts like how she received a fake flower from him when he served the foods. 'Wait, why didn't you get these as well?'. 'He's picky!'. 'Oh. Okay.' She didn't have a single clue until some of her friends approached her telling he was really into her. That feeling of his won't last for long, she murmurs.
Now she'd received so many sticky notes from him on every occasion. Even on for the holidays. 14 to be precise. The best thing that'll she's surely to tell her close friends who seem to know is how different he was for a person his age. He never writes love poetry or anything gross like that. Even when they bump on each other on the same pavement he would roll his eyes or act like nothing happened. It's a compliment. He's not like any other guys who stare directly without shame or act as if he was so cool. You know, the typical way how a guy tends to attract a person. That's how she determines to either appreciate the fellow or hate him. Of course it's the reason why she chooses to appreciate him.
It's nearly days for the big exam. She eats a lot, she works a lot, she's stressed. Completely down. If it wasn't because of her unsatisfying grades she would've at least relax even on party events. It's been more than 4 months the guy is still constantly having feelings for her. And after what her friends told her about his response in class saying she wasn't showing any signs of interest, she felt messed up. She had a reputation of her own. She doesn't give in to a guy that easily. What could she possibly do? She wasn't sure if she was either in love with him or his attention. Showing signs too will only create new gossips and for those who wouldn't understand would call her a slut for being so, cheap. Accept the fact that most people wouldn't understand at all. It just wasn't at the right time.
Finally she thinks she's leaving the school anyway so she made him a small appreciation card on behalf of her intentions of showing all his concerns somehow mattered to her, but there was no way she would show it. Then she felt uneasy. Getting stared looks from all the girls his age, feeling as if she was being insulted for that one little act. It's just the ratio of 1: 14 compared to himself. Was it somehow wrong to show how she appreciated him? She hated that feeling of uneasiness. She felt bad having to think what he might feel after she demanded to have it given back. But it was the sake of her reputation and focus.
Now it was finally over. Done. No more working hard at the moment. It's about him now. She's afraid to make a wrong move. Still, she knew he was much differ than the one who had her suffered like hell. He knows his limits, boundaries. But she knew he wasn't going to understand her. She's just tired on waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry and hurting. She thought maybe now he would be sincere to her but will it last for another 6 years and forever? People change, that's the reality. He gave her so much to remember. She has a big world coming up ahead and he's beginning for the most tiring year of his life.
She's thinking as rational as she can. But fears crept her. Sometimes, it's hard to know who leaves or stays. So she had to push them all away. She couldn't manage to take the risk. Well, she still had second thoughts. He's one of a kind. She waited for anything, which kinda felt like a stupid girl sometimes. Silly girl, he doesn't care. Which is somehow both good and bad because she had more time to think wisely but he might have bad assumptions whirling on his mind. She's brave, she knew that. But when it comes to these terms she was afraid. Finally she intend to write him a letter.
'Dear you,
I'm sorry if I have ever caused any pain -or maybe I was the one with such stupid thoughts but it wouldn't matter as long as I tell you anyway. To be honest you don't deserve this after all that you've done. Next year's gonna be a big year for you, I want you to get through it successfully -even if it means being absent from your life. You've showed enough support. It's time I repay it back wisely. No need to feel like what I've once felt. Long distance is indeed painful and full of doubts. I, too, am full of doubts of what's about to happen next year. Who am I to say I am right, but I'm trying to do what's best for you and for myself. You can hate me as much as you want. You made me feel special. This is a fact. I know somehow it's not going to last and I hate that feeling when someone makes me feel special and then leaves me hanging. That's my problem. That's why I distance myself from you to avoid any further expectations. This is how I solve. You and I know probably there's not going to be any guy who would do so much as this so I deserve a laugh from you. Again, I am truly sorry. I'll sure make a goodluck card for you. All support to you, I promise.
P/S: On the last day I gave you a letter and replied saying thank you besides mentioning you're not annoying at all. Plus, I even drew a picture of a sneaker on the other side. I'm guessing you didn't receive it.
Yours sincerely,
Me. '
She closes her pen lid. She closes her eyes and smiles. He's a great person from what she observes. She's sure he's going to succeed somewhere. As long as she doesn't get to her target on being a doctor, the thought of having relationship commitments won't ever cross her mind. Her family depends on her. She wants it bad. More than anything. The pen has been raised, the ink has been dried. If it's really her fate to be with him someday, why bother? It's not like pushing him away means she searches for another anyway.
She thinks, 'Right now, we're going to enjoy our lives freely with friends and family. Time to explore. Time to get up and shine. Time to make our parents proud in seeing us chasing our dreams. We're so young for anything like this. We're going to be successful, get a life and be happy. Who knows, maybe one day within the next years to come we suddenly meet a cafe' and turns out we're both single'. Laughs*
She folds the letter before mumbling 'now you're still thinking you're just a wind blowing from the breeze?'.
