It’s an oppression to actually go for something that you
love. I admit it’s the hardest choice to ever make. To me success is everything
in my life. The only aspect I’ll ever go for and work hard for.
Let me re-define my success -to do something that pleasures
my soul. Something that makes me feel happy, worth fighting for and most
importantly, leaves me with no sense of regret.
But the thing is, when you have two things you aim as a part
of gaining that success, that’s when it hurts so bad, right in the chest.
The first time I found out I didn’t get straight As for SPM,
I thought there was no way I could apply for medicine –my dream job. I almost
gave up. I lay in bed even during daylight and do nothing but think, think,
think.
Can I do this?
If you read my previous entry on ‘No more Dr.Afrina’, that
night after I published it, I cried. That feeling, of you having expectations
on being that person with that specific career job to only then have it erased.
Just like that.
When failures hit you, it affects your confidence level.
That’s why failure is important but if you aren’t familiar on controlling your
mind set towards it, then that’s when you have self-doubts.
You don’t believe in yourself on achieving it.
Trust me, the more you put something as a priority, the more
you’re gonna get hurt. Like they say, ‘your dream is your weakness’.
Being a doctor isn’t about popularity. It’s what you give.
What you can contribute to people. I am pursuing in medicine, not because my
parents told me too or anyone. Not because I want that ‘Dr’ title being placed
in front of my name.
I’ll tell you this. I don’t care about money. I’ve made
research on doctors from A to Z and still, I don’t even know what’s their
average salary till today.
This is just a job I would do for sincerity. That dear
reader, is love. I do it because I love. Nothing more.
The doctors who are my relatives, my mum’s friend, my
neighbour and my specialist, I like them a lot. They’re drawing me forward on
making this dream a reality. Every one of them did the same, act.
Looks down straight at me, they ask this question. Only,
this. They didn’t even ask about my results.
“Are you interested in medicine?”
“Yes”
“Then what’s holding you back?”
People’s expectations.
People’s mentality on students
furthering in medicine. Those money making people, all of them, made faces. ‘Too many doctors. No need for more’. I
respect them for all those contributions they’ve made for the malays, for Islam
and as well as our country but may I ask,
‘if I even give up this course, will it lessen the
percentage of medic student intakes?’
Why sacrifice my own interest when there are loads of
medical students who aren’t even interested on being a doctor? Why should I
back off? What’s the difference I can make?
I wish I could tell the whole world, that what I am doing
isn’t because of trends or etc. It’s just love.
You’d do anything for something
that you love, right?
I once made up my mind to go for psychology. I even wrote an
entry to reassure myself that I can be more successful through communication
and intelligent mind thinking. It didn’t take long for me to be confused and
cry all over again cause deep inside, my love for medicine exceeds all.
The more you set something as a priority, the more chances
you’re gonna hurt yourself from it.
I don’t know if this is normal but it felt so painful. Worse
than a heartbreak, in fact. This is a matter of your career, your whole life,
your major aspect on making a living.
I don’t want to go to a hospital in the future to only feel
that regret for giving up.
Allah’s plans are better than ours. We know maybe what we
want isn’t right for us, but we can always try. If we can’t make it, if I can’t
make it to be a doctor, at least I won’t have regrets cause I’ve tried.
Similar to studying, even if you failed the exams, you’re
not gonna be sad because you did your very best.
That’s why in everything we do, we need effort.
I made it perfectly firm that I want to pursue my degree in
medicine. I’ve faced barriers and I’ve experienced 3 days to think of giving
up. Nothing’s gonna my mind. So, those who will deny my decision now, you’re
only gonna see me laugh.
Did you know? The more you say ‘don’t do this’, the more
we’re driven on doing it? Hmm?
So, despite my endless entries –which you might probably
feel sick reading about my determination on going for medicine, you might
wonder, ‘what’s the problem now?’
There’s this other, dream, which I never told anyone much,
but since you guys are my loyal readers and I do have been given many comments
from a lot of people, I feel very secretive to finally reveal this.
I want to pursue my degree overseas, if possible Australia –but
basically just overseas that’s all.
*Hides under the table and peek from below*
I’ll tell you why studying overseas matter (Among my ‘soon
to be written’ entries actually)
Not many are sponsoring for medicine nowdays. Guess what? It
costs half a million in total. In fact, the most expensive course compared to
any other. I have two choices.
Either give up medicine and study overseas, OR study
medicine but only in local.
Believe me, I have very firm reasons why I would really love
to go overseas to study. I haven’t written an entry on studying overseas so don’t
be quick to make assumptions on this. But really, once you read you’ll understand
how studying overseas is a golden opportunity.
Even when you’re not in sponsorship, if you’re going for
architecture perhaps in UK, it’s affordable. Even if to you it isn’t, at least
there are many companies who would want architects to work with them. But
doctors, seriously?
This made me upset really. Both of them are my dreams. But
life is fair, I can’t get both doctor and Australia at the same time. It’s just
so, demanding. In malay, we call it a sense of ‘mengada’.
But really, it’s just a bit heartbreaking too if you’re not
going to study overseas because this is also a one lifetime experience. Going
for a holiday isn’t the same with being a student there. It makes a total
percent difference.
Because to study medicine I’ll be taking 6 years perhaps and
be official by the age of 24. Let’s say I’d specialize and continue for another
5 years but this time, overseas, like, what about settling my life?
24 is the age where you start thinking of getting married or
get a firm job in a hospital first. Why would I study overseas at this age? My
perception though, but nothing wrong with those who do it.
Again, it’s another thing I have to consider. No, it’s not
something I can consider. It’s a fact.
When you’re taking medicine, the most far you can go is
India or Indonesia. Australia is just too expensive and no matter how well I
score, there’s an 80% possibility I can’t go. We’re talking half a million MYR
here.
I’m still going for medicine, but I will have to try
accepting the fact I can’t make the other 2nd dream a reality.
This isn’t a confirmation those who study medics can’t
overseas but I’m just saying it’s a very small opportunity to be sponsored as
well as aiming for the UK. That’s all.
It’s kinda sad really to think of this. I do admit I’m ambitious,
but like I said, if we never bother to make that effort on getting closer to
our dreams, why bother? Just keep moving forward.
Will be writing ‘Why Studying Overseas Matter’ very soon Insya-Allah
