What does it feel like getting our SPM results?
I felt the ache the moment I stepped into the hall. Excited
and nervous at the same time. At least my girls were readily sitting in the
front row. I miss them very much.
I checked online before the results were announced. Yes, I
am impatient. Only when the moments felt like hell. I hated waiting being blind
with the thought if I manage to get straight A’s or not. Apparently I paced to
the toilet and checked out the results online.
For the first time, I am speechless.
I don’t know if it’s me to blame on this heart-breaking
moment.
Probably, because I was believing myself that I’ll get back the results
of getting straight A’s all this time. Too much expectation that even the
results I get –which wasn’t really that bad, had struck me like a knife exactly
in the stomach.
And well, the moment I watched those who went on stage
getting straight A’s, I thought, they’re the ones who had maintained in their
academic achievements for 2 years. The mentors, mostly. No surprise, they
deserved it. Me, who hasn’t really been a bright student like them sits for the
exam, thinking, ‘I can make that drastic change’. Now that is a sense of
stupidity which I can see in myself when I watched them walk on stage.
I don’t understand where I stand or how far I can go and yet
set high goals without acknowledging myself that it wasn’t so bad. I deserved
to get it.
No one is immune to failures. Do you know how much it hurts
when your results don’t pay back your efforts? I’ve been there loads of times.
Everytime I didn’t get good results, I’d say to myself, ‘it’s okay Af, maybe
you need more time. You’ll get it for SPM. Believe in yourself! SPM will pay
back all your work and stress’.
My mistake. I shouldn’t have said SPM as the
limit. I should say future, rather than a specific examination.
So that makes a conclusion why I was upset. I made myself
clear that SPM was supposed to be the best. Who am I to say when God arranges
everything in life?
Well, yeah I cried. I was thinking of getting straight A’s –even
if it means having A-.
I’m not a jerk, I just feel life is unfair. When you’re sad,
even your logical rational thoughts can’t overcome your problem. A friend even
questioned me,
“I read your blog regarding to accepting the results. I wasn’t
expecting the writer would react this way”
True, but again, I’m not immune to failures. I’m a human
with high dreams, yet has a weakness on academic achievements. I have feelings.
I need motivation as well. I can bear it but it takes time.
To be exact the only reason why I was so shocked is because
I have studied hard. Like hell.
Seriously. I’m not blaming anyone. Not Allah
Himself on having my fate this way. Not friends. Not family. Not even me. I
have no regrets. I did my very best. So the good thing even during that
depressing state I knew there’s nothing to say like ‘I should’ve done this,
done that,’. I did my best. Full stop.
I have a conflict in my career interest.
My ability doesn’t have to do with that course and the
course doesn’t need the ability that I naturally have to attain it.
My interests is on a specific course that is against my
talent.
In short, I am really determined to apply for the specific
course even when I am good at many other variety of aspects.
I want something that I know will be beyond my ability. And
I want it so bad.
Then I stared blankly.
I had forgotten that Allah has sent me tests in life on
bearing with academic failures. Only that. I think again about everything 360
degrees.
Am I imperfect physically? No. Do I have problems when it
comes to family? No. Never before in history. Lack of parental support? No. I
got such wonderful parents who never gives up on me believing I can achieve
what I want and they’ll try their best to make it happen. Financial expenses?
No. I get what I want. Relationship problems? No. Friendship break through?
Nope. I’ve got friends all over my back ready to lift me up. Good in arts? Not
bad. Public speaking? Not bad. Music? Not bad. Am I beautiful? No idea, but I
know I’m confident with myself. So what am I not satisfied with myself through
out life?
Exam in failures. That’s all. Simple but a burden for a
student who has been trained to excel in academics without considering other abilities.
Now, should it be fair, suppose if I am a naturally smart girl who doesn’t need
much of an effort to score?
I’ll be too proud of myself. I’ll be arrogant. I’ll be
whatever you might think of. You see, that’s the missing piece. If God gave it
to me, will I be the person who I am today?
No I won’t.
Sometimes failures hurt. Continuous failures hurt. They’re
scars to the heart. They’re the strings that tie your inner spirit from yelling
and say ‘I can do anything as long as I work hard!’.
I’m used to crying looking at specific marks on a particular
subject. Additional Mathematics for instance. I’m used to feel embarrassed of
myself watching people be happy over their academic achievements. I’m used to be
labelled as a highlight even when I study so hard.
Who said accepting failures are easy? They hurt
tremendously. Like a pin sharp. It’s like being judged for violence towards an
innocent person. They never did anything to make it happen, but sometimes
conditions they have been through looked like it’s their fault.
But I guess Allah knows that I can handle this. True, I don’t
understand the feeling of giving up. I feel tons of pressure. I feel
overwhelmed with such unpredictable moments. I get upset and cry. But after 3
minutes, I get up and smile. Forget every failure and start new.
A thing that I like about myself. So I know that though I’d
be a little fobia with failures, I know I’ll be okay and energized the next
day.
Whatever it is, I’m not sad anymore. I did my best. I may
work hard than others, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the same intention
as I do. Getting straight As. Everyone of us prayed hard, we studied hard, we
aim high.
It's funny how we have be blinded with the thought SPM is everything. I need a minimum of Bs to apply Foundation in Science. I can do it. Or maybe I'll rethink of going for psychology or communication. I'm good at that.
If you feel the same way, know, note that you're so much talented than you may think. It's just that you never really knew and applied them as an act you'd do. I'm academically challenged, but I know there's more beyond that narrow thinking stating being smart in 9 subjects.
Don't let those school subjects become a barrier into believing in your ability to shine.
There's more talent in yourself. You just haven't sharpen it up yet.
Get up and be happy. I’m tough. So are you.
