And what has this whole pandemic is about? Uncertainties.
I've always known myself as somewhat a perfectionist, detail-oriented, systematic, who heavily emphasizes on the concept of planning. I just love having the peace of mind in knowing whatever I will be involved in. In fact my whole specialization (Cognitive Neuroscience) has been about conducting statistical analyses, presenting specific outcomes from an experiment, and specifically strategizing the procedures performed to increase the likelihood of success (statistical significance). Yes, this means I hate surprises. Whilst this trait has specifically allowed me to obtain opportunities that I could never imagine, it is definitely a curse for this COVID-19.
Losing a project I've been working for months was not fun. No laboratory, no data collection. Being stuck at that house overseas for two months, in my small room was horrible. Having your first conference in Cambridge canceled was not fun. Forced to go back to Malaysia, and never see my colleagues whom I've hung out with every Friday night was not fun. Ending a long term relationship due to incompatibility was not fun either. Every one of these was my investment. Time and energy.
Rewinding back to 31st December 2019, me writing my 2020 goals before the clock strikes midnight. It pains me to know that 70% of those goals had completely been taken away.
I have now somewhat made peace with all of it. And all I ever want is to move forward. Quarantined alone for 2 weeks in a local hotel gave me plenty of solitude time to reflect, adjust to the change, and take deep breaths. Until 3 weeks later, I broke down at 3am, because the identity that I've associated myself with is no longer present. Although I am a psychology graduate, I used to never have enough empathy to understand those struggling with mental illnesses. For every problem I have faced in life, I always had the strength to endure it, fight it and sometimes I consider it as a gift from Him.
This time was not the case. What is there to be calm about? Earlier this year I had specifically planned out a year plan. And attempting to execute the 70% of goals in the first 4 months. What do I do now? Who are my friends here in Malaysia that I can relate to? What happened to my travel plans, relationship, and project? None of my plans are working.
This is when I start to realize that I have an internal issue with Allah's Qada and Qadar. To have trust in God, to believe whatever path He has diverted you from was for your own good. And that you should be accepting. I contacted Sheikh Hussein Yee via Zoom from the U.K, 3 days before my flight to Malaysia. I also reached out to a counselor when I broke down again in Malaysia. It was crystal clear that the underlying issue lack of spirituality, and for being too analytical in life decisions.
I should not perceive this life to be like an experimental study that I have full control over, nor should I be too analytical about each experience in life. Trying to evaluate them, and produce an outcome. Or repetitively believe there is an algorithm to success in life. I could easily blame my mind predominantly revolving around the framework of science and logic. This was how I was trained for years.
Losing a project I've been working for months was not fun. No laboratory, no data collection. Being stuck at that house overseas for two months, in my small room was horrible. Having your first conference in Cambridge canceled was not fun. Forced to go back to Malaysia, and never see my colleagues whom I've hung out with every Friday night was not fun. Ending a long term relationship due to incompatibility was not fun either. Every one of these was my investment. Time and energy.
Rewinding back to 31st December 2019, me writing my 2020 goals before the clock strikes midnight. It pains me to know that 70% of those goals had completely been taken away.
I have now somewhat made peace with all of it. And all I ever want is to move forward. Quarantined alone for 2 weeks in a local hotel gave me plenty of solitude time to reflect, adjust to the change, and take deep breaths. Until 3 weeks later, I broke down at 3am, because the identity that I've associated myself with is no longer present. Although I am a psychology graduate, I used to never have enough empathy to understand those struggling with mental illnesses. For every problem I have faced in life, I always had the strength to endure it, fight it and sometimes I consider it as a gift from Him.
This time was not the case. What is there to be calm about? Earlier this year I had specifically planned out a year plan. And attempting to execute the 70% of goals in the first 4 months. What do I do now? Who are my friends here in Malaysia that I can relate to? What happened to my travel plans, relationship, and project? None of my plans are working.
This is when I start to realize that I have an internal issue with Allah's Qada and Qadar. To have trust in God, to believe whatever path He has diverted you from was for your own good. And that you should be accepting. I contacted Sheikh Hussein Yee via Zoom from the U.K, 3 days before my flight to Malaysia. I also reached out to a counselor when I broke down again in Malaysia. It was crystal clear that the underlying issue lack of spirituality, and for being too analytical in life decisions.
I should not perceive this life to be like an experimental study that I have full control over, nor should I be too analytical about each experience in life. Trying to evaluate them, and produce an outcome. Or repetitively believe there is an algorithm to success in life. I could easily blame my mind predominantly revolving around the framework of science and logic. This was how I was trained for years.
That is nonsense. Happiness and contentment in life are when one is in gratitude.
Although this trait is a crucial skill for my postgraduate studies, it is deteriorating for my mental health. And although I haven't shared here more struggles of which I have dealt since COVID, I would like to express how much of a better state I am in now. I am not there yet, but at this point it is a state of recovery insyaAllah .
For each day, each second, I have learned to take small breaths, to be kind to myself, to no longer expect perfection in anything. To embrace some nights of sadness, but to also cherish the fun times I have recently been experiencing with family and friends. To also willing to accept new people in my life, and be open to the possibilities of another specialization, and overall life.
I think I've developed a lot mentally, and I believe being able to gain insights in life is my favorite gift from Him. I no longer feel what I have missed was a loss, but instead an opportunity to turn on a new leaf and potentially, a better -less analytical version of myself. However, I will need to tone down my imaginative thoughts of the future. Expectations would only lead to disappointment.
To whoever who has read this far, just now that I am much happier now. Not entirely the best, but getting there. And I too, pray for your well-being.
