Sometimes it’s impulsive to accept what fate brings you to
in life. Like, if you plan to retire and die in peace in your bed, is that a promise?
If you travel around the world at a certain age of adulthood, can you promise
to come back without being involved with another shocking plane crash?
When it
comes to an age of the time you are confident that you are very much near to
death’s door, what else can you think?
But, what if you’ve lost your memory?
I’m only 18. Being young, you simply haven’t had a clue on when
you’ll die. In fact, clueless. Unlike being 50, that’s when you’re gonna start
thinking of making amends in your life, gonna start thinking of increasing your
deeds despite all the sins you’ve made during your youth.
My grandmother’s older sister, Wan Zaharah was admitted to
the hospital since a few weeks ago. She’s been sick before I could even be
matured enough to know who she was and have a one-to-one conversation –she basically
doesn’t and will never know who I am anyway. But seeing her now, lying on bed
with a tube connected to her nose, covered with pinkish-white blanket, it’s
touching.
She lost her memory. Yet people –family relatives from all
over her side comes to visit her, in hope she’ll look at them closely and grip
their hands firmly to justify she indeed remembers them. That’ll be something
to really remember.
Came with my grandparents, I could only look from afar on
how she reacts towards our short visit. She stares blankly at the three of us,
but her nurse made her wear glasses so she starts to grip on things and looks
at every detail of them as if she couldn’t make any clear view on her
surrounding before this –which was basically true.
She has a brain tumour. Detected 2 weeks ago during an MRI
with two little spots of white on the specific site of her brain. Her pills on
decreasing her level of memory loss had been stopped since her chart rates have
been lowering for the past several months. There’s nothing we can do to refresh
back her memories.
But what matters to everyone now is not a matter of her
being conscious of who we are in her life, but rather to know we’re going to do
anything to keep her alive.
There’s this cure on her brain issue, but the neuro
specialist didn’t give a conclusion to us family on whether we should do it or
not. I know what
he meant was due to 2 reasons when it comes to considering to either give her
the medications or not.
Money.
As a doctor surely they consider giving us the best possible
treatment on improving our health conditions especially if it us a serious case
as this, but they also think of our financial payments on everything. Not everyone
is able to pay that much, so it’s a right choice for doctors to not easily
force families to accept anything that’ll meant paying double from target.
Second, being old, there’s a very low chance of sustainability
on being back to normal.
When you’re old, even we know there’s nothing we can do to
regain back your ‘younger’ condition. Even if you spend nearly a million MYR to
only cure everything that is in your body, there’s just no way. That’s why
doctors on recommend to have any of these surgeries on the brain only for
younger people at a specific age rate. You can get back to normal, and they
know it.
So by conclusion he gave us family relatives to make the
choice. Spend more money on her surgery but also accept there’s a possibility
she’s not gonna be cured. But I love my grandfather’s response on that.
“Well doctor, if the person was your own mother how can you
not accept the treatment?”
She’s now going to live on tube cause she can’t eat any food
now- the food she eats are going to flow in her windpipe rather than the pathway
of her digestion stomach. Another problem is, she doesn’t even remember how to
chew anymore. My grandfather, -who always comes to a conclusion on everything looks
at me saying
“There’s going to come a time when you’re so old you won’t
even remember how to chew. That’ll happen to me and your grandmother –but God I
pray I wouldn’t need to suffer like this. But you know, life is a cycle. The
nearer you are towards death’s door, the lower your mind mentality is. There is
simply nothing you can change about it anymore”
Before we got out my grandmother came to her older sister by
the bed, and held her hands on hers. I was always worried about my grandmother
having pains on her knees or etc but she never bothered that anymore once she
was with her sister who barely even knows her.
“You remember me Wan Zara?”
Looks at my grandma’s eyes for a while without blinking.
“No need to know, but Insya-Allah, I’ll come to visit you
next time, hmm?”
Grips my grandmother’s hand tighter and firmer. Still eyes
focused on her.
“Do you remember me? I’m your little sister, we used to play
together in Alor Star. You’ve been such a wonderful sister.”
Even when I notice my grandmother all this time, the only
thing she enjoys talking about is her younger days. Never did she told me about
her life after getting married with my grandfather or having my dad much. She talks
about her geography teacher, her artwork in class, how students loved her for
teaching without in need of any references or when she was the only sibling to
be accepted in English school.
Same goes to my grandfather. He talks a lot on being a hero
in boarding school, being the trusted prefect but went out to the movies
whenever the warden is not on guard. He even told me several times to always
enjoy youth.
Cause when you’re old, you’re only gonna have tons of
flashbacks of life and if you’ve never made challenges or did crazy things,
what is it that you’re gonna laugh about yourself when you’re old?
My grandfather looked at his sister-in-law and made her a
clear say before my grandmother started to have tears falling from her face.
“You’re not gonna remember us, but who cares? Cause’ we only
remember you now in your younger days.”
Even when she’s so aged, so thin but she looks so healthy
and innocent. She isn’t sick. She’s just going through a memory loss, that’s
all. But she’s pretty, you can just tell when you look at her. She must’ve been
an ambitious person during her younger days.
But nothing is sadder than to look at 2 very old siblings
looking at each other gripping hands by the hospital bed in hope they’d still
be together before death tears them apart.
So no matter how much you think your siblings annoy you –my brother
keeps giving me free hugs every time I come back home with his favourite food,
they’re gonna be the last ones you wanna lose when you’ve come to an age of
having no parents anymore.
My grandmother comforts her again, saying
“It’s okay, I have to go, I’ll come back for you. Take care
sister,”
Kisses Wan Zaharah on the forehead before looking at her
eyes again, in hope she’ll at least give a response before she goes out of the
ward.
Suddenly, Wan Zaharah holds my grandmother’s hand tighter, and begins
to cry.
Believe me, everyone was so happy to see her cry. She
remembers my grandmother. Even if she doesn’t know she’s her younger sister, at
least she feels my grandmother must’ve been an important person in her life.
You know, love is powerful. It’s not what you do that keeps
someone remembering you, but it’s what you made them feel.
Even someone who has gone through a memory loss remembers
the love people give her, why grudge?
Dear Wan Zaharah, though you’ve never been involved much in
my life, but my grandmother means everything to me. If she loves you that much
and you made her happy then you must’ve been a wonderful person. May Allah
bless you and refrain you from any pains as well as die in peace when the time
comes Insya-Allah.
Don't you wonder, if you're old and you might wanna have that glimpse of who's going to be by your side when you might go though the similar phase as well?
