By the age of 11 the family went to Australia again. This time, she has 2 siblings already. Australia, somehow felt just right for her soul. Don't ask, she doesn't have an idea why it would seem that way. Her parents described Australia as her 'second home' besides Malaysia. Till today, they still kept some australian euros in the safety. Go there again perhaps? Nah,don't think so.
7 years later.
"So mum, obviously I just went to 2 universities with daddy last evening to check out."
"How was it? You like it?"
"The first university was great, the place is full of serenity. However, they're local. I'll only have my 5 years here in Malaysia".
"You know you'll have to get 4 flats if you intend to for studying abroad?"
"Yes, I -"
"Then, it's okay if you apply for this. You're in the safe zone. You'll get a sponsorship here and if you didn't manage to score very high, they'll still save a seat for you based on your foundation in science results."
"But-"
"You know it's better than to apply somewhere else. If you ignore this institution you'll regret".
She went upstairs to her room after that not-so-acceptable agreement that her mother had set up for her. 'Since when my own mother wants me to study local?', she murmur in confusion. In fact, never. Ever since she was small, she ought to hear her mother goof around telling the whole family how she'd love her daughter to study abroad so she can come and visit plus enjoying a holiday there. These past weeks she's like a drug addict. She locks herself in her room, searching through out the internet of any possibilities she could apply for a suitable place for applying Foundation in Science. International Medical University, Cyberjaya University of Medical Sciences, Penang Medical College, Manipal University, Monash, Taylors, Intec, you name it. She doesn't even remember to eat, she didn't even busied herself on such thoughts. She also almost forgot the birthdays of those she cared for! Her grandmother, her best friend and etc.Worst scenario there.
Feeling numb, she checks out her friends latest flash on the internet. Be lucky neither any of her friends would chat with her. She's obviously in her lowest self-esteem, like, ever. Don't make her jealous over your 'ohh yeah next year I'm going US'. Heck, those are the causes of her having this kind of feeling when she's always so highly motivated then all the sudden some words can just flush all of those bricks she'd built to be confident about herself. Have you ever been jealous or seem to envy on someone's life achievements? Of course you do, it's just the kinda aspects which are differ.
Like other girls by her age, it's normal to walk pass a much prettier girl than her then have their thoughts all the way home on what makes that girl so attractive than her? That's a normal thing for girls really. The thought of feeling insecure with themselves. But well, for her, they don't bother much. She'll write a blog on not thinking about other people's specialty in the future don't worry. What bothers her is her friend's achievements on succeeding to study abroad. She can't even have the urge to wish them all the best. She doesn't hate them for succeeding, of course not, bear in mind. Remark those words. She's just thinking, "Why can't I be in the same level as them? Why can't I join their league? Why should I be in backstage?". Rethink. Again. Again. After lots and lots of self-talking, she realizes what might have been the cause on why she's so upset with the idea of her only to study local.
5 years ago.
"Stop with that speaking of yours. You think everyone likes seeing you show off?"
"I'm not showing off, I'm just speaking in English."
"Frankly we don't accept people who purposely does their slang in front of a crowd"
"I didn't make it up! I'm just trying to be myself like I was in primary school".
"Well, forget it. We're just gonna hate people like you".
"Excuse me? Why can't you Johorians be a little acceptable on people's flow?"
"Whatever, you're still some girl who shows off on you're so-called capability on speaking",
That girl is the representative of other people's opinion of her during her first orientation week in boarding school. It was true, though. People actually banned her for that. Truly sorry if the word 'Johorians' were used in the term of the conversation. If you're offended, remark me having this say that most who hated her are from there. Reality, yes? Just that. It's not like she gossips or socializes way exceedingly like the rest of the girls. How irrational. But well, she was a bit passive that time. She keeps everything in her heart instead of saying straightly of her dissatisfactions on something. By the time she was an upper form, that, finally was the time people started to pay a little respect on her. She doesn't want respect or people asking her how amazing she was in speaking or etc. She just wished somehow people would accept her true self. And they did, showing positive responses now. Good. Believe it, try going to another school. The students outside were so fluent in English, she taught if she ever studied there, no way people would recognize her. But you see, they speak English there like as their normal conversation language.
She has no idea about her school. Oh, not exactly. It's the student's perceptive on english. She looks at the outsiders her age so happy chatting in english and etc. She knows English was the first language she learned followed by Malaysian language 5 years later. She knows as well in order to survive in the society in the future she had to preserve her ability. She wasn't going to let negative feedbacks from people who ought to think her as a complete show off take her down. Thank god, finally after 5 years they knew english was the key to success on ones respective career. The girls who banned her once for this now comes to her desk to have their essays being checked. She doesn't hate them, cause' people change for better and so yes, in reality you should never hate someone. The weird thing is no matter how bad you treat her, if you've changed, she'll totally be okay with you. Ask her ex, she's totally in good shape talking to him -guy who made her go crazy once. But yeah, sometimes she looks at them sincerely thinking 'oh yeah, you used to hate me for this'. Most importantly, she thought, she'll continue to sharpen her skills so she can go easy with interviews and get ready to study abroad. Just in case you ought to know, the constant reminder of her to keep speaking in english even though not all accepts her way was always 'it's alright, english is indeed important for my career. Keep being strong, it's for my good anyway.'
Continue in Keep Believing 2. The next entry. Goodnight :)
