If you've been a mutual to me, you'd know I've just recently made an Instagram account -when everyone has made it roughly 4-5 years ago. During these period of time, I've had my fair share of experiences and dwelling emotions regarding to my commitment of not joining into this social platform for good.
Majority of my years without it has been wonderful -I didn't really pay attention to anyone's life, looks or their achievements. I didn't have to walk around feeling people are judging me with the amount of followers I have, or that there was no effort to get my poses right for a good picture. You see, the absence of it contributed a lot to my increase of self-esteem and I couldn't be any more happy than what I am and have become today.
I was fine in my little bubble shell and the external world I never bothered posting about.
However, there were two phases I've experienced -the first to be 3 years ago. And the other phase earlier this year. The first phase was toxicity. Of course, it wasn't as easy accepting the idea your friends or partner were all together in one platform -because after 5 years of boarding school, this was the time all of us separated into our respective studies and lives. But I kept my standards high, I wasn't willing to make one because I consciously knew I was still vulnerable -sensitive. So i refused to be labelled or join the 'in-direct competition' at all.
Until recently, only this year. The second phase hit me very strong. Confusion. I was a vice-director for Hanyang University Teaching Program in my university where Korean students came for a two-week teaching program with our lecturers. I bonded with a Korean girl whom I hardly can recall her name anymore. Before they departed, she asked if I had instagram to keep in touch. I didn't.
And I regretted.
From that moment, I asked myself "why don't you make one?" and my simple answer always even to everyone who asks was "I want to focus on myself and nothing more". If this was the case, I am already pretty much happy with my appearance, my confidence and self-esteem. But wait, there is actually something more. Although I never used to have one, I did look at people's accounts anyways. I was aware of how the platform works and what people are posting. It was never an issue of never fitting in. In fact, I even had a layout clear in my mind how my own instagram feed would look like if I had one.
I would ask myself "Who is stopping you from making it all realistic?"
Two weeks before I made my decision clear to create an instagram account, was the time I found the answer to that question.
It was never about my self-esteem I was worried about, but it was of others.
You may think I'm absurd to declare this but reality is, I was and still am traumatic to show my life to people around me. I know friends and families who are genuinely kind and wish the best for me, but I also know a few who intended ill. How do I know? My MRSM years I knew a group of girls who disliked me whenever I became an emcee, taking the spotlight for English public speakings, talks or anything really. When the boys and my close girl friends complimented my achievements, some were talking behind my back as a show-off. Some assume I come from a wealthy family and would sneak around looking at the brands of shoes or clothes I own. This lasted for years. I felt conscious of myself and would always go low.
This has affected me till today. The travelling journeys I've had every year -Iceland, New Zealand, United Kingdom. I had dozens of pictures that was worth sharing as said by my best friends. I contributed to so many events, met so many people and all I could think of was 'I will be judged for being myself'. It wasn't because of insecurity, but it was more of an act of cautious.
But again, until when should I settle less for people who aren't even important in my life?
It is wrong for me to show how happy I am with life?
If I can speak English fluently so what is wrong with that? If I do come from a wealthy family and have my parents love and financial support given to me, what is wrong with that? If I have been travelling every year and posting pictures, what is wrong with that? If I have been improving myself and met so many new friends, what's wrong with showing that? If I am looking better in appearance, what is wrong with that? I will be graduating soon, I will be ending my internship very soon, I will lose these people who have been very important to me in university life.
Is simply pleasing someone who dislikes me yet still keeps wanting to see how I'm going worth the sacrifice of the people I could remain intact with and the experiences I could have cherished?
If living my life freely is an act of 'showing off,' how is that of yours aren't?
My thoughts of people's thinking of me was the main reason of why I never did what I should have done from the start. I've seen many people endlessly post their makeup pictures, the foods they've tried, the countries they went, their achievements of graduating, the friends they cherished.
As much as you assume Instagram is where people are dishonest about their lives and only show what they wish you to see, some people are genuinely happy.
And I am happy.
