“When you suddenly
think you can’t do it anymore, and you realize it is not you, this is not what
you want”
Sometimes the reality we end up in doesn’t necessarily come in
line with our thoughts and perceptions. Somehow, when we see a movement of
establishment or enlightenment that gives us purpose of who we are, what we
should do. I learned in life, you never often take anything into account
without learning the endless possibilities of being a better person -a better
you.
I remembered kicking sides within myself to become somewhat a
bright child. Being a toddler, I’d have my excitement towards anything I find particularly
adventurous. The bright night city lights of Kuala Lumpur never made me less
motivated to ponder as a child, what if, I could just do more and more as I
grow. The shameless dances I’ve made at the age of four in the middle of a Warner
Bros Studio parade in Australia, to the admiration of others on my ability to
talk English language boldly than the other kids they’ve stumbled upon. Let’s
not even start on my mini concert of Hannah Montana’s songs every evening after
school -aligning my teddy bears into rows as if they were crowds while singing
my lungs out on the double decker.
You see, there is more to what words can describe how my childhood
is blessed with constant happiness and love. As a child, I’ve been given the
opportunity to try new things, to explore my capabilities and gain so much
confidence towards my life –there was no existence on how to love myself in the dictionary. Developing passion towards drawing
a series of comic books, writing short novels, singing with my Barbie dolls, creating
aircrafts and buildings from scratch, driving the little red sports car my
father made custom for me. Regardless of the rest, I feel cherished to have one
important factor as a part of my development progress to adulthood -English as
a first language. It was my biggest advantage from all the privileges I’ve
attained on loving what I do as a child.
There will be a time where you constantly become confident towards
yourself in the sense that nothing else was going to become a barrier to success
in the future. But then again, what is life without challenges. Everything
seemed well, until one day, I’ve woken up by the screech of my mother excitedly
telling me I’ve gotten an offer to a boarding school in Johor –MRSM Pontian. The
hundreds of miles away from home made me cringe –and flashing back to the point
of staying there for five years, it was enough for me to realize there was
something I may never fit in within the environment.
No, it wasn’t the strictness of not allowing cell phones, nor it
was the teachers or the education system. I admired the religious aspects
constantly being taught and implemented in the school especially. It was a good
platform for any student to achieve excellent marks in academic, leadership
skills and curricular activities. But I felt a bit odd as if there was a matter
of personal thoughts unable to be expressed with passion and pride. That the environment
made me change little by little.
I was going against the
reason of my self-love.
Since
the day I registered to the school, it went downhill on certain times that it
leaves me thinking how I ended up in the state of vain. I wasn’t used to being
judged for my natural way of speaking in English. I wasn’t used to getting odd
stares from people towards the way I engage using the language of which people
refer to be their second, even last preference.
I
remembered clearly the day I stepped on the stage to give a public speech in
English towards a given topic. Everyone literally laughed out loud the moment I
spoke and it left me with a broken heart thinking of the possibilities on surviving
for the next 5 years. The majority population of the school were Malays. This
ethnicity that I belong to, somehow made me gain second thoughts how is it
wrong to be applying English on a normal basis. Some of the so-called friends
bullied me, gave me insights of how my life would be miserable if I won’t stop
talking in English. You’re never going to
be one of us, we hate you, you’re a Malay, quit speaking in English, they
said.
People
made fun through their teases and sarcastic jokes on those applying English on
a regular basis as somewhat showing off, being an attention seeker,
contradicting to the typical mindset of ‘you’re
only a Malay when you speak Malay’. There were some nights I couldn’t sleep,
having tears pouring knowing my roommates hated me, to be looked down upon for being
a little different and having accused to be dumb in Malaysian language –when reality
was I progressing from a C to a solid A in five months. I’ve slowly changed from the cheerful extroverted child to a quiet student
unwilling to socialize and join the others in school. I was depressed. I kept
it as a secret to anyone until my upper form, I realized something. Somehow,
after 3 years I was willing to give in to the fact I never felt as a part of
the group –I didn’t feel like I belonged.
Now
they would think their actions weren’t something to feel offended about, but
little did anyone knew their words left scars till this day. One night, I laid
on the field grass staring at the beauty of the clear sky with stars shining.
The little part of the universe you see hardly seemed surreal, and it leaves you
thinking life is too short to become someone else. You
learn in life that your growth as a young adult is constantly affected from
your childhood. Remembering how bravery was always the main thing running
through my veins as a toddler, it became the main strength to accept reality
that you should cherish the difference and never change for anyone. Ever.
Judges
slowly became praises, depression lessened and the confidence level came back
to a slow but surely progress. I took the opportunity through the multiple
times of mingling with other students in Global Leadership programs to speak in
English, became an emcee on certain mornings during roll calls, taking every
chance to be a position where English is maintained be it debates, public
speaking etc. My stubbornness and rebellious character to change for the sake of the
typical mindset of Malays towards English language became something I loved
about myself. It can be funny how people can change
perception about you when you were weak under their criticisms to suddenly
admiring you for being confident on stepping up the game. No, I am not an
excellent speaker. There are many improvements I need to make. If people knew
how important English is to succeed, they would be in a race to improve, rather
than being ignorant and bring down others with them.
Today,
never have I ever been grateful to get out from the comfort zone of getting
approval from my race towards the perception of English language. Nottingham
University completely opened my eyes that I could communicate with people varying
from races easily be it Chinese, Indians, Egyptians, Americans, Africans
without any difficulties. Finally, I felt belonged and accepted for who and
what my passion was. Slowly I became this confident girl I longed to become
again after bearing the pain of the society expectations as a Malay. You’ll come to the point of rolling your eyes towards the
expectations people give you and embrace your specialty with arms open wide. I
smiled, and added a motivation to become the person I once was –bright and in
love with myself.
And that was what I became.
